8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
