Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
