Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
