I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
