Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
