I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
