Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
