I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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