You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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