i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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