I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
