Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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