i need an iv and a liver transplant
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
