Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
