you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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