Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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