Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
