that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
