Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
