Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
