Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
