i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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