your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Ketchup is God's man juice
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize