I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
