dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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