It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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