my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Randomize
