Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
