Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
