He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
