you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize