So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
