But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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