i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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