I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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