Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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