i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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