I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
