Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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