I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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