Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
