You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
