I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
