My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
