woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
