the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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