I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
This is classic penis vs brain.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
