he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
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