No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
