oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
