drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
