Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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