It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
