So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
