we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
