The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
